A lot of people who read this frequently ask me why I have such a strong hatred for various things. Well, faithful readers, I figured I would explain to you.
1.) Hornets-Hornets suck for so many reasons. First they fly around in your face, which is pretty inconsiderate, all things considered. Maybe in France people think it's great to have little insects flying around your eyeballs all the time, but here in America we have personal boundaries and space. Human beings respect each others personal space, is it so much to ask that hornets could do the same. (Side note: My grandmother used to let hornets walk all over her glasses and eyes. It was horrible. I never understand why so many hornets would flock to her face like that. Maybe her eyes smelled like flowers, I don't know)
Secondly, and more importantly, hornets are JERKS!! Hornets will just fly over and sting you on the arm if they think you're looking at them funny, or hanging out too close to their nest or something. Sometimes I think they sting me just for practice.
Hornet (Looking at me): Look there's a big thing.
Other Hornet: Let's sting the shit out of it.
Hornet: Good thinking Ed.
I know people who have been stung like 2 times in their life. How is this possible? I've been stung like 400 times. And they can just keep stinging indiscriminately forever. I hate them. I watched this show one time where this guy named Billy sprayed a bunch of crud into the cracks of this dilapidated shack, and hornets were falling out everywhere dying. My eyes had an orgasm watching this.
2.) Roundabouts-When did this country turn into England? Everywhere I go nowadays, a stupid roundabout is popping up. The powers that be apparently believe that we are born with an inherent understanding of what to do when faced with a large circle in the middle of flowing traffic. Well people are dumb and treat roundabouts like a very small scale Indy 500, so I am constantly in fear of getting in an accident. I'm also in fear of being trapped inside the roundabout like Clark Griswold, driving in circles for hours. "Look kids, there's Big Ben, Parliament." My children think it's funny and cheer loudly when we approach roundabouts. This angers me. People who need someone else to wipe their butts for them shouldn't be making fun of me. If you want me to stop hating roundabouts, you should send me to roundabout camp for a week, at the taxpayers expense of course.
3.) Heelys-I've mentioned before why I hate these stupid shoes, but let me reiterate. The only kids you see with Heelys are fat, weird looking kids with even fatter parents. The kids skate around shopping centers, and crash into people and don't say "sorry" and then skate off to crash into different people, and their fat ass parents can't keep up with them because they're driving around in those motorized wheelchairs with baskets on them for groceries provided by the store, and they've stopped paying attention to the havoc their ugly children are wreaking because they're too busy yanking preprocessed, cholesterol laden items with their canes off of high shelves in an obvious subconscious attempt to bring around that next coronary sooner rather than later.
4.) Dog the Bounty Hunter- I hate him because he has a gay mullet. I hate him because he has a dumb voice. I hate him because he has a 5th grade vocabulary. I hate him because his wife looks like a cross between a super high class prostitute and Grimace from McDonalds. I hate him because he makes idiots believe it's really possible to aggressively chase after criminals without a gun for years and never get shot. Really though, just look at him. How could you not hate somebody like that? Even if he was really nice and all he did was save puppies and babies from buildings on fire all day long I'd still hate him.
I think everything else I have a real hatred for I've covered in earlier posts. For more information, refer back to those.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My Dog is Crazier Than Me
Let me preface this by saying that I love my dog Jasper. He is a sweet, friendly animal, very good with the children, and I'm happy he's mine. He's also, on occasion, a raving lunatic.
I suppose you can trace most of this behavior back to when he was a puppy. He was apparently abused at a very young age, and then set free in Duluth in the winter, ostensibly left to freeze to death. Instead, Homeward Bound got a hold of him, and while I was still in college my wife adopted him. He had really severe kennel cough, and dog pneumonia, and he sneezed big green boogers all over his feet every 30 seconds or so. My wife spent a good majority of her day cleaning snot out of his paws.
Jasper has never really been able to let go of his upsetting childhood, and since I'm not paying for a dog whisperer to come in and help him express his feelings, or his anal glands, or whatever a dog whisperer does, he has a tendency to act really strangely at times. Throughout his life he has done the following
-Ran upstairs and hid under the bed for 2 days after I fell down the stairs and landed on him early in the morning while still half asleep going to let him out.
-Escaped from us at a park where the snow was 4 feet deep but he didn't sink since he was too little, and proceeded to chase a flock of canada geese, that were flying 500 feet above him in a "V", for about a mile, including across a busy road where he almost got hit by like 8 cars, but was totally oblivious to this fact because he was staring at the sky and barking the whole time.
-Chewed off and ate his long plumage of tail fur along with a considerable amount of stuffing from his kennel mat (which he then chewed to pieces) and then loudly vomited it all up in the night on our new carpet because he was angst ridden since I had started a new job and screwed up his daily routine. This caused a fairly uncomfortable Q&A with my mom since when I returned home from work I couldn't figure out what happened to my doggie's tail.
Me: Uh mom?
Mom: Yes?
Me: Did you do something to Jasper?
Mom: What?
Me: Ummmm, did you uh, come over and cut off all his tail fur for some reason?
Mom: What? No. Why would I do that?
Me: I don't know, to make a bed for a small animal you found?
-Ferociously barked at invisible ninjas for an hour at 3 in the morning until I had to get up and threaten him with euthanasia. He's done this repeatedly.
-Got bitten on the snout by a fly which causes him to be either really scared of flies, or really aggressive towards them depending on the day. When he's really aggressive towards them he runs around barking and snarling at them and tries to leap up and bite them to death. I don't believe he has ever been successful in this. When he's really scared of them, he repeatedly slithers around the house squeaking like a big pussy and tries to wedge himself under furniture and furnace crawlspaces that he has no business trying to fit into. This usually causes chaos and broken furniture.... and threats of immediate euthanasia
-Stands and barks at a random wall for long periods of time, until I come snap him out of his trance by threatening complete and utter euthanasia. (Side note: We learned from our vet that this may be a sign of early onset dog dementia. I don't know how a being with no concept of time can have dementia, but whatever.)
-Pees on people at the dog park. I never apologize for this, instead I choose to say clever things like, "Gee your pants must smell bad" or "I guess that leg belongs to him now". People always appreciate humor when they are being urinated on.
-Lets our other much larger and bouncier dog chew on him until his head is soaking wet from slobber, and sneezes numerous times while playing. We call this phenomenon "Sneezefighting."
His latest, most confounding problem though, is that when he runs out of water he goes absolutely bonkers, but only when nobody is home to correct his behavior/threaten euthanasia. I forgot to give him water yesterday before I left for work. Let me correct myself. Never in the 10 years since I got a dog has it crossed my mind that the dog may need water at some point. I have some sort of mental block.
So my wife forgot to give him water. When I got home, the entire downstairs was in shambles. The rug was all askew, there were pretzels all over the floor, a glass candle holder had been broken, there were magazines and newspapers bitten into tiny pieces, the clothes hamper was laying on it's side, the cable box was in an odd position, there was a plate on the floor, a chair was leaning precariously against the entertainment center, and somebody had eaten a large piece of styrofoam. My first thought was really rowdy burglars. After I went and got a baseball bat and secured the house, I walked in the bathroom and noticed that there was no water in the water dishes. Uh oh. I checked the bathtub. It was full of dirty paw prints because when he gets desperate Jasper hops in the tub to try to drink residual bath water. So I got him some water and proceeded to tidy up the downstairs, sweep up the glass, and throw away the rest of the styrofoam, all the while loudly cursing the heavens for my bad fortune.
I'll say this. Having a crazy dog makes me a lot more empathetic towards the plight of my wife, who has to put up with a crazy human everyday. But still, she should remember to get the dog some water...
I suppose you can trace most of this behavior back to when he was a puppy. He was apparently abused at a very young age, and then set free in Duluth in the winter, ostensibly left to freeze to death. Instead, Homeward Bound got a hold of him, and while I was still in college my wife adopted him. He had really severe kennel cough, and dog pneumonia, and he sneezed big green boogers all over his feet every 30 seconds or so. My wife spent a good majority of her day cleaning snot out of his paws.
Jasper has never really been able to let go of his upsetting childhood, and since I'm not paying for a dog whisperer to come in and help him express his feelings, or his anal glands, or whatever a dog whisperer does, he has a tendency to act really strangely at times. Throughout his life he has done the following
-Ran upstairs and hid under the bed for 2 days after I fell down the stairs and landed on him early in the morning while still half asleep going to let him out.
-Escaped from us at a park where the snow was 4 feet deep but he didn't sink since he was too little, and proceeded to chase a flock of canada geese, that were flying 500 feet above him in a "V", for about a mile, including across a busy road where he almost got hit by like 8 cars, but was totally oblivious to this fact because he was staring at the sky and barking the whole time.
-Chewed off and ate his long plumage of tail fur along with a considerable amount of stuffing from his kennel mat (which he then chewed to pieces) and then loudly vomited it all up in the night on our new carpet because he was angst ridden since I had started a new job and screwed up his daily routine. This caused a fairly uncomfortable Q&A with my mom since when I returned home from work I couldn't figure out what happened to my doggie's tail.
Me: Uh mom?
Mom: Yes?
Me: Did you do something to Jasper?
Mom: What?
Me: Ummmm, did you uh, come over and cut off all his tail fur for some reason?
Mom: What? No. Why would I do that?
Me: I don't know, to make a bed for a small animal you found?
-Ferociously barked at invisible ninjas for an hour at 3 in the morning until I had to get up and threaten him with euthanasia. He's done this repeatedly.
-Got bitten on the snout by a fly which causes him to be either really scared of flies, or really aggressive towards them depending on the day. When he's really aggressive towards them he runs around barking and snarling at them and tries to leap up and bite them to death. I don't believe he has ever been successful in this. When he's really scared of them, he repeatedly slithers around the house squeaking like a big pussy and tries to wedge himself under furniture and furnace crawlspaces that he has no business trying to fit into. This usually causes chaos and broken furniture.... and threats of immediate euthanasia
-Stands and barks at a random wall for long periods of time, until I come snap him out of his trance by threatening complete and utter euthanasia. (Side note: We learned from our vet that this may be a sign of early onset dog dementia. I don't know how a being with no concept of time can have dementia, but whatever.)
-Pees on people at the dog park. I never apologize for this, instead I choose to say clever things like, "Gee your pants must smell bad" or "I guess that leg belongs to him now". People always appreciate humor when they are being urinated on.
-Lets our other much larger and bouncier dog chew on him until his head is soaking wet from slobber, and sneezes numerous times while playing. We call this phenomenon "Sneezefighting."
His latest, most confounding problem though, is that when he runs out of water he goes absolutely bonkers, but only when nobody is home to correct his behavior/threaten euthanasia. I forgot to give him water yesterday before I left for work. Let me correct myself. Never in the 10 years since I got a dog has it crossed my mind that the dog may need water at some point. I have some sort of mental block.
So my wife forgot to give him water. When I got home, the entire downstairs was in shambles. The rug was all askew, there were pretzels all over the floor, a glass candle holder had been broken, there were magazines and newspapers bitten into tiny pieces, the clothes hamper was laying on it's side, the cable box was in an odd position, there was a plate on the floor, a chair was leaning precariously against the entertainment center, and somebody had eaten a large piece of styrofoam. My first thought was really rowdy burglars. After I went and got a baseball bat and secured the house, I walked in the bathroom and noticed that there was no water in the water dishes. Uh oh. I checked the bathtub. It was full of dirty paw prints because when he gets desperate Jasper hops in the tub to try to drink residual bath water. So I got him some water and proceeded to tidy up the downstairs, sweep up the glass, and throw away the rest of the styrofoam, all the while loudly cursing the heavens for my bad fortune.
I'll say this. Having a crazy dog makes me a lot more empathetic towards the plight of my wife, who has to put up with a crazy human everyday. But still, she should remember to get the dog some water...
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