Recently I took on the responsibility of coaching my son's baseball team. The team is made up of 2nd graders of varying skill from around the neighborhood. They are about what you'd expect, a bunch of sweet, goofy little people. They also are driving me nuts.
I understand and appreciate that they are learning, and I don't care that they drop pop ups and make bad throws, but I hate, hate, hate it when they aren't paying attention, and doing things like:
-Kicking dirt all over the place so a big cloud of dust forms and everybody chokes
-Staring at the sky for no good reason
-Picking up the base every time it gets one grain of sand on it
-Covering the base in sand and nearly getting crushed in the tiny testicles because you weren't watching when a ball came at you.
-Yanking out handfuls of grass in the outfield and stuffing it down their pants
-Excessive, unrepentant belching
-Whining about wanting the game to be over after 3 pitches in the 1st inning
-Wearing your glove on your head
-Holding the ball and staring at it while all your teammates, fans, coaches, umpires, and the seedy guy drinking Mickey's grenades at the picnic table are screaming at you to throw it in.
-Watching a ball drop two inches from you and not even attempting to pick it up
-Choosing "into a stream behind the bench" instead of "2nd base" as an appropriate place to throw the ball.
-Using your bat as an axe and whacking it against trees
-Not knowing where left field is still, even though you've played there 15 times already in the last 2 weeks
-Asking if we won right after we lost 8-0
I know, I know, they're little. We're working with them. They'll get better. I just have to stave off the impending insanity until they do
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
My Job is Not Like Your Job.
Not too long ago, I drove in to work and when I got there I realized I had forgotten my shoes at home. I was cleaning the garage a little bit before I left, and I was too lazy to put on shoes to do this, and I had intended on putting my shoes in the back seat, and actually gone so far as to picture them in the back seat in my mind, and then my mind got confused and forgot that I hadn't actually done put them back there. Hence, I had no shoes.
The nice part is that it didn't matter, as I am my boss and I was cool with it. It's one of the many perks associated with being self employed. I used to work for a large company and my suspicion is that they would have frowned on a shoeless employee and they might have shoved me in a broom closet as punishment, or made me eat all the old, unattached food in the community fridge.
It made me think about all the bonuses of having a job like mine such as:
1.) I work in my gym clothes, or what I slept in. Occasionally I wear khakis, but only if somebody is coming to the office that might give me money. Or take money away from me.
2.) I don't need shoes.
3.) I can fiddle around on the internet, write blogs, facebook stalk people, look at naked pictures of celebrities, shop for Russian Mail Order brides, and play violent Gangsta Rap music without fear of reprisal from anyone.
4.) When I do my job correctly, I feel it directly in my wallet. No additional incentive needed. If you ever see me with a wallet so large that I have to stack a Tolstoy novel under my left butt cheek to stay level, you'll know that I have been doing my job correctly. (Side note: I rarely carry cash, so this is more for illustrative purposes.)
5.) I show up whenever I get there, and leave whenever I'm done (unless I'm doing any of the activities located in #3.)
6.) There's none of this stupid, bullshit, team building crap here. We don't have potlucks, or Hawaiian Shirt Day, or Jeans Day, or Ugly Sweater Day, or Frozen Game Hen Bowling Day, or Boss Appreciation Day, or Hump-The-Person-In-Your-Adjacent-Cubicle-In-The-Stairwell Day. We just work. Sometimes with shoes...
As fun as that sounds, there are also things that suck about this job like:
1.) I have to do all the non-work work. Pay bills, run the dishwasher, buy food, fix broken shit, buy garbage bags, change light bulbs, shovel the entryway, etc. Blech!
2.) We own the unit I work in, so in addition to having to advertise any vacant offices, I am also a de-facto caretaker for the entire building. I have pitched a dead squirrel into the forest, chased a frog around the kitchen, and cleaned up old lady poop and pee. It's nasty business.
3.) If I screw up, I feel it directly in my wallet. Gone are the days when I used to do my little portion of the whole, with absolutely no regard for the health of the company I worked for. The company could be on fire, or run by swindlers and Ponzi schemers, or totally falling apart at the seams, and it was of absolutely no consequence because I still got a paycheck. Now I forget to carry a 1, and we go to Duluth and not Aruba for vacation. (Side note: That last part may be a little dramatic.)
4.) Sometimes, when the phone isn't ringing, the emails aren't coming, and I'm sitting in a Captain America T-Shirt and mesh shorts playing Scrabble, it kind of feels like it's not a real job.
5.) I'm at the mercy of crooked, greedy, bastards. I have seen first hand what the prospect of more money will do to some people, and it ain't pretty. We try to filter those people away from us, but it's amazing how we tend to look past some obvious, frightening flaws when a large sum of money comes in every month.
It's a big difference I'll admit, but I'm happy with the choice I made. Now where the fuck are my shoes???
The nice part is that it didn't matter, as I am my boss and I was cool with it. It's one of the many perks associated with being self employed. I used to work for a large company and my suspicion is that they would have frowned on a shoeless employee and they might have shoved me in a broom closet as punishment, or made me eat all the old, unattached food in the community fridge.
It made me think about all the bonuses of having a job like mine such as:
1.) I work in my gym clothes, or what I slept in. Occasionally I wear khakis, but only if somebody is coming to the office that might give me money. Or take money away from me.
2.) I don't need shoes.
3.) I can fiddle around on the internet, write blogs, facebook stalk people, look at naked pictures of celebrities, shop for Russian Mail Order brides, and play violent Gangsta Rap music without fear of reprisal from anyone.
4.) When I do my job correctly, I feel it directly in my wallet. No additional incentive needed. If you ever see me with a wallet so large that I have to stack a Tolstoy novel under my left butt cheek to stay level, you'll know that I have been doing my job correctly. (Side note: I rarely carry cash, so this is more for illustrative purposes.)
5.) I show up whenever I get there, and leave whenever I'm done (unless I'm doing any of the activities located in #3.)
6.) There's none of this stupid, bullshit, team building crap here. We don't have potlucks, or Hawaiian Shirt Day, or Jeans Day, or Ugly Sweater Day, or Frozen Game Hen Bowling Day, or Boss Appreciation Day, or Hump-The-Person-In-Your-Adjacent-Cubicle-In-The-Stairwell Day. We just work. Sometimes with shoes...
As fun as that sounds, there are also things that suck about this job like:
1.) I have to do all the non-work work. Pay bills, run the dishwasher, buy food, fix broken shit, buy garbage bags, change light bulbs, shovel the entryway, etc. Blech!
2.) We own the unit I work in, so in addition to having to advertise any vacant offices, I am also a de-facto caretaker for the entire building. I have pitched a dead squirrel into the forest, chased a frog around the kitchen, and cleaned up old lady poop and pee. It's nasty business.
3.) If I screw up, I feel it directly in my wallet. Gone are the days when I used to do my little portion of the whole, with absolutely no regard for the health of the company I worked for. The company could be on fire, or run by swindlers and Ponzi schemers, or totally falling apart at the seams, and it was of absolutely no consequence because I still got a paycheck. Now I forget to carry a 1, and we go to Duluth and not Aruba for vacation. (Side note: That last part may be a little dramatic.)
4.) Sometimes, when the phone isn't ringing, the emails aren't coming, and I'm sitting in a Captain America T-Shirt and mesh shorts playing Scrabble, it kind of feels like it's not a real job.
5.) I'm at the mercy of crooked, greedy, bastards. I have seen first hand what the prospect of more money will do to some people, and it ain't pretty. We try to filter those people away from us, but it's amazing how we tend to look past some obvious, frightening flaws when a large sum of money comes in every month.
It's a big difference I'll admit, but I'm happy with the choice I made. Now where the fuck are my shoes???
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