The other day I was playing some sort of derivative of football with my son, although it was inside, I was sitting on the couch fiddling around on my Ipad, and he was in his underpants. Cleverly, I named this game "Underpants Couch Football." Basically the game is him throwing a small football as hard as he can at me and then me throwing it back while he skitters around in his underpants like Marky Mark.
Anyway, in this one instance he wouldn't throw the ball back to me. He thought it was really clever to continuously pump fake me and then bounce around. Frustrated I yelled, "Shit, I got me enough money to buy me a hundred balls!" He looked at me funny. That's when it occurred to me that he was 6 and had never seen "Boyz n the Hood" and so he didn't know what I was talking about. I felt bad for him. Because "Boyz n the Hood" can teach a 6 year old all sorts of valuable lessons like:
1.) Don't ever bring your football anywhere.
2.) If you do bring your football somewhere, and if a bunch of gang members want your football, you should give it to them, because even if you think they're just going to keep it, the big one wearing his shirt as a hat will eventually give it back, because you know somebody would eventually knock over a 40.
3.) If you see a dead body laying in an alley that has been there a long time, don't bother him, because he's not bothering you. Even if it smells like a dog died
4.) If your friend gets arrested for stealing, you won't see him again until you're 17 and he's Ice Cube
5.) To get a baby all you have to do is find a girl, stick your thing in her, and 9 months later a baby comes out
6.) If your mom calls you a "fat fuck", it's a term of endearment
7.) If you wear a football jersey all the time, USC recruiters will come to your house when you're older, even if your house is in a horrible part of town and there are drive-by shooters (with wheelchairs and pacifiers) on your porch.
8.) If you rake up all 14 leaves in your tiny yard, it will take you until it's dark, but then your dad will take you fishing. As long as he's only 8 years older than you.
9.) When people try to rob your house, you will get startled and pee on your pajama bottoms
10.) We're all from Africa. And we're all African Booty Scratchers.
So it's settled. Instead of Barney, or Phineas and Ferb, or any of that other drivel, Miles and I will be watching Boyz n the Hood tonight. If you have kids, you might want to get on the bandwagon and do this too, because pretty soon people will be jumping on this idea like a fat girl on a hotcake trampoline.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
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