Brian at the Zoo.

It's become apparent to me over the past year or so that I go to the zoo way too much. We all have things we do too much, but mine isn't even interesting. I don't masturbate in public too much, I don't poop 12 times a day, and I don't spend too much money on Austrian hookers, but I do go to the zoo too much. Pretty lame.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at this. After all, I have 2 little kids, and for some reason, as a society we've decided that staring at sleeping wildlife is educational, not to mention the fact that we live 5 miles away from the zoo and have a membership there.

Pretty much without fail, the zoo experience goes like this: We get to the zoo, the kids run ahead, one of them falls and cries and wants a band-aid, we stare at the red-butted monkeys for a while, we go in the Tropics trail, the kids race through the exhibit, we go to the Minnesota Trail, the kids race even faster because it's cold in there and they stare at no animals because all they're interested in is getting to the next animal stamp as quickly as possible, we stare at the dolphins, one of the kids throws a tantrum because we have to leave, and then we leave. That's pretty much status quo for the zoo.

In fact, I bet I can tell you, in chronological order, what we do in the Tropics Trail. It goes like this.

-Enter
-See the large lizard in an exhibit with silhouettes of large, extinct animals.
-Bronze tortoise statue that the kids always feel the need to climb on until one of them falls off and cries
-Mynah bird that never says anything even though mynah birds are notoriously vocal
-Egg scultures that kids manhandle and sometimes lick, much to my chagrin
-2 different colored lemurs that occasionally screech loudly and make everyone think that the zoo animals are staging a riot.
-Black and white monkeys that aren't there anymore, because according to the sign left by the zookeeper, they've been at the "doctor" for 3 months. They're probably dead.
-In the same enclosure are flamingos and ducks. This is a common theme at this portion of the zoo. The kids try to stand on one leg like a flamingo. They fall over. They cry.
-A cave that the kids run in to. Then they pop out the wrong end and for a second they are lost. This frightens us as parents.
-A bird with a gigantic nose. This is a new gigantic nosed bird because I know, since I go to the zoo too much, that the old gigantic nosed bird died. From a stuffy gigantic nose.
-A tree kangaroo that never does anything. I remarked once that it was a statue, and a woman next to me reassured her children by stating, "That man is a liar honey." I felt bad.
-A big fat cow looking thing with a small elephant trunk called a Tapir. The Tapir smells great, if you think a dead old lady who's been laying in a shallow pool of fetid water in the desert for 4 days smells great. In the same exhibit is an animal that looks like a big black house cat (I forget it's name) and smells like popcorn. Another double animal exhibit?? I wonder if the zoo people were carrying the popcorn cat thing and then it started scratching and hissing at them and they dropped in into the Tapir exhibit and were just like "Whatever. It can stay there, it scratched my arm."
-Some tortoises that don't hold anyone's attention for long because the most exciting things they do are turn their heads and chew lettuce. That's pretty boring.
-The upper portion of the coral reef. There's a huge glare coming from the top of the zoo so you can't see anything
-The lower portion of the coral reef. This part is underwater and everyone hangs out there. Sometimes there's a scuba diver with a microphone in there and he feeds fish and answers the same three stupid questions from kids, in slightly different variations:
1.) Do the fishes eat food?
2.) What kind of fish is that big shark?
3.) Are you a swamp monster?
-Some really smelly warthogs. The warthogs never move but you can tell they are alive because they smell like inside buns left on the counter overnight.
-Another double animal exhibit. A red panda who is always sleeping on a tree branch. In the back portion are a few goats seemingly stuck high on tiny ledges on this make believe mountain. I think they act as sherpas if the red panda ever wants to go on an expedition. Or maybe they're just goats.
-Another dark portion. It's under construction, so there's nothing in it except another lemur, and a very large snake that is always curled up in a tiny ball. This is the portion of the zoo that we lost my grandmother in in 1985. We went in, she was with us, we popped out, she was gone. She was lost for like 3 hours too. We almost just gave up and left without her. Lord knows what she doing during that time. Probably sitting in a chair smoking cigarettes and doing crossword puzzles. Since then I've had a profound fear of getting lost in the dark part of zoos. It's not as profound as my fear of big, violent lesbians, but still...
-A section filled with birds that you can't really see because there are too many trees in the way.
-A door made of hanging pieces of bamboo that you have to smash through, so it feels like you're entering a fortune teller's lair. The kids make sure to smash through the bamboo repeatedly until I threaten to beat them about the buttocks if they don't stop.
-Some poison frogs. I know they are poison because they are brightly colored and because they are actually called "Poison Frogs"
-Quadruple animal exhibit alert. A sloth who really might be dead, some more tiny monkeys, a couple of birds, and the infamous red-rumped agouti all share an enclosure. Did the zoo run out of funding or something?
-Finally, another double animal enclosure. An anteater, and some more tiny monkeys share space.

By the end the kids are practically sprinting to get to God knows where, but they always want to stop at that stupid coin thing, where you put a coin in and then in rolls around in a circle for a while before falling into a hole. That stupid thing is like crack to kids. We never have change so they always wind up having a big fit as we're leaving Tropics Trail.

See, I go to the zoo too much. But just to prove to you what a moron I am, we're going on a Disney Cruise in April, and what is the shore excursion we signed up for in the Bahamas? That's right, the zoo. I'm dumb.

A Day in the Life...

Sometimes people categorize me as strange or odd. Some even think I might just be crazy. But, I'm not any different from the next guy. How, pray tell, do I know this? Well, I've decided to enlighten you with a glimpse of a typical day for me, which should erase any doubts you may have. This was what I did yesterday.

Wake up
Pee for 48 seconds, wonder how many glasses I could fill up with that much pee
Get dressed to go work out
Sit down and watch a show about white street gangs while I wait for the car to warm up
Fall asleep
Wake up and realize I have no time for the gym
Go to let the dog inside and realize he's standing next to me
Drag him into his kennel while he's shreiking in anguish and biting my hand
Curse him loudly and kick his kennel
Leave
Turn around, forgot cell phone
Leave
Turn around, forgot wallet
Scream in anger
Leave
Get gas
Get accosted at the gas station by a worker because I am kicking off my klinkers from the bottom of my car into his parking lot (Side note: Klinkers are those icy, snow chunks that hang off your car, by your wheels)
Yell back at him, buy beef jerky
Drive in miserable, snowy rush hour
Scream at slowness of commute
Play "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre seven consecutive times
Shout "Blizzards Ain't Shit" more than seven consecutive times
Honk at everyone in anger
Get to work
Work a little, and also watch Super Bowl commercials
Develop a crush on Danica Patrick
Work some more
Play online Scrabble
Cook soup in microwave, spraying chunks everywhere
Eat Chunky Soup, Extreme Chicken Alfredo flavor
Decide it's not "extreme" or even "tasty"
Work more
Play "Bitches Ain't Shit" on Youtube
Notice that my jeans have a large hole in them that I could theoretically let my penis dangle out of
Contemplate doing this for the rest of the day
Decide against it because I'm not sure if snow on the penis would be even a little OK
Turn down a walk-in salesperson who wants to sell me a reservation to play paint ball on his farm in Carver.
Buy a spooky, noisemaking flashlight from him instead (Side note: What kind of a weird combo sales package is this? The flashlight makes 8 spooky noises like a witch cackling and a door squeaking. Odd.)
Leave in a blizzard
Decide I need food
Stop at Subway, chatting with sandwich artist about the fact that she has a tattoo of a mermaid on her serving hand.
Frighten her
Leave with food
Eat it quickly spilling lots of lettuce in my car
Swear about this loudly
Think about Danica Patrick while throwing lettuce out the window
Play "Bitches Ain't Shit" several more times
Honk at someone angrily for having Packers decals on his car.
Have a long argument with myself about the merits of knowing how to play the fife
Lose the argument
Watch a guy nearly drive off an embankment because he needed to cut in front of a car to save 20 seconds
Condemn his foolishness and short sighted nature
Get very angry with a man shoveling his driveway because he's home am I'm not
Finally get home.
Yell at the air in frustration
Shovel snow like a crazy person, flinging it everywhere like a monkey flinging poo
Get nervous because the dog is out in the yard unleashed, and looks as though he wants to run and bite every car that comes by
Calmly tell him, "Polo, you idiot, cars are not food."
Notice that the neighbor, (the professor's wife), is stuck in her own driveway
Laugh at her, then mosey over to help
Get there just as she gets unstuck
Tell her, "Oh, you're unstuck, I was just revving up my loins to help push."
Watch her back away in fear and confusion
Advise my daughter NOT to build a snow fort by the place that Polo just took a big dookie while gearing up for the next approaching vehicle.
Become dismayed when she picks the poop up with a little red shovel and prances around with it.
Walk inside and get ordered by my son to play MarioKart
Whoop him severely and talk trash about it
Get whooped by him and pout and kick the couch
Decide that I am probably not teaching him great sportsmanship
Pout and kick the couch over this realization
Get presented a gift of Exotic Sea Salt by my wife as an 1st date anniversary/fake 1st date anniversary/Valentines Day present
Panic because I have nothing thoughtful to give back to her
Pout and kick the couch because of this
Eat dinner and sprinkle exotic sea salt on all my food
Text my sister as to the condition of her sprained ankle that has a walking boot on it
Make up a new word, "Booterus-A uterus with a boot on it"
Play more MarioKart with my son to satisfy his addiction
Sit on the couch fiddling around on the internet while my son, daughter, and wife fall into a coma watching Food Network next to me
Hum "Bitches Ain't Shit" while pooping
Get mad at online Scrabble because words like "Whiteboy" "Buttfish" and "Ballhair" are not recognized Scrabble words.
Kick the couch a little more
Drink a Purple Mountain Dew. Realize that I have no idea what "Voltage" is supposed to taste like.
Watch out the window and root for people to slip down the hill and get stuck in their cars
Cheer loudly and wake up the family when one does
Boo loudly when he escapes
Carry the entire family up to their respective beds
Poke myself in the eye taking out my contacts
Lay down in bed and realize I am laying on a tiny stuffed dog
Cast dog into closet
Toss and turn for a while thinking about Danica Patrick
Fall asleep and dream of Dragons

See, that's entirely normal.